How lucky are you? You're about to read a 'sneak preview' of an article that will next appear in our parish's January Newsletter. There's been a lot of coverage in the news lately about how adults and children are struggling to cope with the depression and anxiety that is becoming overwhelming as we move into winter months. We thought it would be beneficial to share this information with you sooner rather than later.
We are blessed at St Francis to have as one of our family, Dr Michael Fraser, who is a clinical psychologist in our community. In the following article he shares with us strategies for coping with the emotions that may come with the cold, dark,winter months in front of us. We also discuss how faith and prayer can be a balm to our weary souls.
Entering Into the Winter with Hope
Science has shown that sunshine does much to improve our mood, our mental health. As we move more deeply into these winter months, it seems wise to look for new ways to keep ourselves emotionally healthy as the days get colder, darker and for some of us, more difficult to manage.
Since last March we have been living in the shadow of Covid19. The effects of this worldwide pandemic, it’s sheer magnitude, how it’s changed what ‘normal’ is for all of us, is beyond our understanding.
Dr Michael Fraser, parishioner, dad, and clinical psychologist, joins us in this article to help give us some tools that might be useful as we wait out these winter days, in hopes of a new springtime yet to come.
Acknowledging that we are living in a time of uncertainty, understanding our stress and frustration is a good place to start, says Mike. The image of a backpack filled with bricks is helpful to visualize how anxiety can build up for us. Normal nuisances of every day can magnify to such an extent that our backpack can get way too heavy to carry.
I talk to my kids, my patients and my students every week about being mindful of the seemingly ‘little’ things that can add up over the course of a day. For instance, on a personal note, street parking used to be more manageable...not so easy these days! Worrying about people standing too close without wearing a mask covering their mouth AND nose...what a bummer! I used to be able to teach my classes in a room full of students with whom I could interact ...now I have to separate my students, log on, fix WiFi issues, ask people to “mute” and “unmute” just to have a simple conversation...not so simple anymore. Each of these are bricks that end up in my bag by time I get home!
If we take the time daily to acknowledge stress and ‘unpack our backpack’, that will go a long way in helping us cope. Moreover, it helps if we can ‘accept’ the fact that, as long as we are under the shadow of this pandemic, these same stressors will rear their heads. We call this “mindfulness.” If we don’t do this, the bricks will build up, our bags will get heavier and we will begin to show signs of irritability, fatigue, and our ability to manage the typical stresses of daily life becomes compromised.
The mental health impact of COVID-19 centers around two main things: loss and worry. When we lose something important (e.g., a job, time with family, important life celebrations like graduation or birthdays without our friends, or simply a general sense of normalcy), we can expect to experience some form of depressive reaction. When things are uncertain (e.g., When will school return to normal? Is it safe to eat out? When can I visit and hug my extended family members again?), we can expect to experience anxiety. It’s important to know that depression and anxiety share many signs and symptoms, including but not limited to: sleep difficulties, poor concentration, irritability, quick temper, loss of motivation, and a desire to escape, which often happens through excessive use of negative coping activities (e.g., alcohol/substance use, video gaming, constant smartphone use).
Jayne Porcelli: What strategies can we employ to help us cope with our feelings of anxiety or depression?
Mike Fraser: The first thing that comes to mind is to find something that you can control and go with that. The pandemic has taken away our control of so many things, so find something (safe and healthy) that you are able to control and do it. First, I recommend talking about your stress with a family member, parents, friends, colleagues or anyone you trust. It’s important to stay connected with others as best we can. Another thing I recommend--I have already spoken to many people who are doing this--is to make a list of things you want to do to develop yourself. This is especially important for young people. Find a hobby or an activity that does not involve simply staring at a screen (e.g., baking, drawing, dancing, learning an instrument, typing, exercising, learning a new language). Set a goal, make it a part of your day, and work towards that goal every day. This not only gives us a sense of control, but it will fill us with a sense of accomplishment. I told my own kids it would be a shame to be in ‘shut down’ mode with more time on our hands than ever and not emerge from this without growing in some important ways. If you need inspiration, I recommend the book The Master Plan: My Journey From a Life in Prison to a Life of Purpose, by Chris Wilson. This book is about a young man who went to jail at age 17 and made a ‘list’--his plan for self-development while he was in prison. His life was an extreme example of just how much one can accomplish, even when literally imprisoned. I hope this book can help us find perspective and motivation to make our own ‘lists’ for self-development, especially during a time when we might feel locked up.
JP: What does one do if he or she feels like they’re starting to obsess about some of this stuff?
MF: First of all, I think it’s difficult not to obsess about where we are and what is going on. Every time we turn on the TV, radio, or social media, we are bombarded with information about the latest COVID-19 stats on infections, hospitalizations and death. As humans, we are not built to absorb such a constant tsunami of bad news day after day. I would recommend taking a break from the news, especially at night. This is different from completely ignoring the news, which I don’t recommend either, because it’s important to be informed. This brings me to another recommendation. We should try to catch ourselves when we begin to say or do anything ‘extreme.’ Obsessive thinking is extreme thinking. Many of us are also finding that we are showing more ‘extreme’ emotions (e.g., sadness, irritability, impatience). This is completely understandable given what we’ve all been through. The concept of mindfulness, which I mentioned earlier, is about catching ourselves doing this. When this happens, we need to do our best to reign it in and perhaps take a moment or two to step away from a situation and take a breath (or do more focused relaxation breathing).
JP: How does prayer help? Where does a faith life come into play?
MF: In my opinion, prayer, meditation and mindfulness share many things in common.
They all involve taking time to reflect on our lives, our emotions, our relationships, and our behaviors.
In general I don’t think we do that enough. Everyone prays in their own way and has their
own relationship with God. I think there is great emotional benefit from communicating in this way,
whatever the form of conversation. Setting a time every day to pray helps provide stability,
which the pandemic has certainly taken from us. Prayer allows us to express ourselves--the
positive and the negative--without judgment. An important part of prayer that is also very beneficial is
the act of giving gratitude. There is even increasing brain research on the health benefits when
we search for things in our lives to be thankful for. I believe very strongly, especially when there are
so many negative things going on in the world, in the importance of giving gratitude.
On a personal level, it has helped me greatly to take a step back when I get stressed or frustrated
to reflect on the people and the things in my life that support and enrich me.
JP: Is it OK to be angry with God? (Asking for a friend…:-) )
MF: That sounds harsh, but I think God can handle it. We were created to feel all emotions and I believe it’s important to be true to our feelings by acknowledging them openly and without judgement. So many people have lost their jobs, loved ones and their whole way of life. With such tremendous loss I can’t imagine how one couldn’t be angry. As a psychologist, I have seen so many people stay stuck in depression, anger and anxiety because they never fully allowed themselves to express their full, true emotions. This also reminds me how important it is to recognize that, as humans, we can also hold multiple emotions simultaneously, and that they don’t necessarily cancel each other out. For instance, one can be angry at their parents and still love their parents. We can have an argument with our friend and still maintain our friendship. In my opinion, this is no different with God.
JP: How do we hold on to hope?
MF: Staying positive in the midst of this pandemic has been and continues to be our greatest challenge. After our initial lengthy shelter in place, we appeared to be winning the battle against COVID-19 in NYC. Now we hear our numbers are rising again and there is constant talk about an “uptick” and a “second wave.” As I’m writing this, I just learned that my daughter will not be returning to in-person learning at her school until after the new year. She really enjoys going to school to see her teachers and friends, so that represents yet another hit. I am reminded about the Passion and how Christ was knocked down over and over and managed to get back up. How could He? How can we? We can follow His example, and we are reminded of this as we just celebrated the Christmas season. We can have hope that God put sharp minds on this earth to create a vaccine to keep us safe and healthy; hope that our amazing health care professionals can help us through this; and hope that our community of caring, compassionate neighbors will continue to support one other until we finally return to normal.
Stay healthy everyone. And may God bless you all.
